I think this is the hardest post for me to write because it was hardest thing I’ve had to do during this time. Walking away from him, cutting off our contact with each other, was the hardest thing I had to do. We tried to be friends after we broke up. We talked or saw each other very nearly every day. That went on for four months. I got to be near him, but I never got any lasting relief from the pain. It was torturous being near him so much and not being able to reach out and hold his hand or to be sitting beside him on the couch and not be able to lean into his embrace. I was ignoring something I had known all along. See, I can remember telling him early on that if we ever broke up that I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him for awhile. When faced with life completely without him however, I buckled. I just wanted to be near him, and part of me really thought that if we spent time together that he would remember why he loved me and want to get back together. But here we are and obviously that didn’t happen. Some people have the ability to put feelings aside and be friends with their ex soon after a breakup. I am not one of those people. I need room to be broken and time to heal.
There is no way for a broken heart to heal if you are constantly subjecting it to what broke it in the first place.
It has been eleven days since I have seen or talked to him. Eleven days might seem like an insignificant amount of time to you, but that’s eleven days I haven’t talked to the person I have been closest to for the past year and half. Eleven days of feeling alone. Eleven days can seem like so much longer when you find yourself in a new stage of life that you didn’t want to walk into at all. Honestly after four months of still talking to him every day and now not talking to him, it kind of feels like we just broke up all over again. These last eleven days has taken a strength that feels like it’s about to fail me every few minutes. I still check my phone every morning to see if he texted or called me during the night. I still long to hear his ringtone light up my phone.
God doesn’t want you bound by pain. I know you just want to be near him. At some point you have to take his pictures off the wall. You have to throw out his toothbrush. Put all the letters and pictures in a box out of sight. You have to walk away for a time so your heart can heal. So the pain can ease. I promise you I didn’t want to either, but I did. I still miss him every day. I still want him back and part of me is still waiting for him to knock on my door. Those are going to take some more time to fade away, but I feel slightly stronger than I did before. You will too. This is the hard part. The part where you have to do what you don’t want to so that you can heal and walk forward stronger. The rest is learning to refocus. To look to what you still have instead of focusing on what you’ve lost.
Only God can heal a broken heart, but there are things we can do to help foster self healing. This post is part of my series 31 Days of Self Healing. You can find the rest of the posts for this series here.