I had all these plans made. Plans for sleeping arrangements when there were two more kids in the house when his came to stay with us. Plans for what trees to let him cut down in the yard. Plans for making a life together. All those plans burned to the ground the day he walked away. I was left with ashes. I have to believe something beautiful will grow from those ashes. But I’m impatient for some sign of growth.
A line from my favorite poem, Wait by Russell Kelfer, springs to mind right now. “My most precious answer of all is still, “Wait.” It’s talking about God’s answer to prayers. God’s answer of wait just means that He is working everything out. He is moving all of the different pieces into the correct places so it all works for our good (Romans 8:28).
So I wait. I want the story that God writes for me, not the one I write for myself. His stories are always so much better than the ones I make up. So I wait. Will He send him back to me? Will we be able to salvage our friendship one day? Will the beauty of a love that is real and lasting form in the place of the one that left me? I believe that something beautiful can grow from the ashes I am left with. God can build something beautiful. God will build something beautiful from the ashes. I have to believe something beautiful will grow from this or I will succumb to the part of me that is struggling to believe that love is real.
I don’t know what God’s plan is for the next chapter of my life, but here is what my beauty from ashes looks like. On some undetermined day in the future I would love to be able to be friends with my ex again. We were friends for years before we started dating. Not just friends, but great friends. I miss that. I think the litmus test for when I’ll be ready for that is when I can see him or hear his voice and not instantly want to tell him how much I still love him and how I miss us. When I can think of him with someone else and not have it effect me at all. I know I’m not there yet right now. But I hope to be one day. We have had a lot of things happen between us in the months since we split. I really do hope that we can get past them one day. Beauty can grow from ashes. I just know it can.
Only God can heal a broken heart, but there are things we can do to help foster self healing. This post is part of my series 31 Days of Self Healing. You can find the rest of the posts for this series here.