I have been trying for 3 months now to put into words the torrent of emotions that hit when your Mom passes away, but there are just no words. This feeling is indescribable. I am no stranger to death. My big brother passed away 12 years ago, all my grandparents 15 years ago, and I can’t even tell you the number of friends I’ve lost along the way. But there is just something different when it’s your mom. There are just no words. The best I can do is that there is nothing that will make you feel like a very small and frightened child like facing life without your momma for the first time.
So instead of trying to describe this feeling I’m going to tell you what I’ve learned these last three months. Give me some grace in this post. My thoughts and emotions are still somewhat jumbled.
Sometimes life crumbles around you and in my opinion it’s then that you discover the people who are real in your life. Not the ones who are just there to see what they can get out of you, or to ride with you during your highlight reel, but the ones who are really in your life to be a part of it, for the good and the bad. It is a treasure to find those people who will have your back no matter what.
I will never be able to adequately tell you how much all the people who have stood by my side during this major life change have meant to me.
Sometimes the people you think will be by your side when the unthinkable happens aren’t When that happens, when someone doesn’t show up for you like to think they should, don’t put them on blast. People are imperfect. They get wrapped up in their own lives and can’t see outside of themselves. Besides, you never know what someone is going through in private. Be the bigger person. Don’t let your pain distort who you are. How they react to you is theirs to deal with and to answer for. Your reactions are yours alone. I can’t say this loudly enough, social media is not the place to air your grievances with someone. Just don’t be that person.
Show up and show off for your people, even if they weren’t there for you when you needed them.
I am reminded of this Mother Teresa quote that says it all. Let’s embrace the wisdom of those who walked this Earth before us.
People are often unreasonable and self-centered
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives
BE KIND ANYWAY
If you are honest, people may cheat you
BE HONEST ANYWAY
If you find happiness, people may be jealous
BE HAPPY ANYWAY
The good you do today may be forgotten
DO GOOD ANYWAY
Give the world your best and it may never be enough
GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY
for you see, in the end it is between
YOU AND GOD
It was never between you and them anyway.
And just one more wise quote for good measure.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
– Mahatma Gandhi
To My Momma….
Yesterday I had Thanksgiving without you for the first time. There have been other tables with other families that I’ve sat at over the years, but the day ALWAYS included you. Never would I ever have dared to miss dinner at your house. It was a good day, Mom. The family I spent the day with, they will never know how much it meant to me to be with them and to be welcomed in so seamlessly, even though I must have told my friend half a dozen times already. Words just don’t do justice to the impact that small act of kindness had on me. They made it a little easier to make it through the day.
My heart and my head are still having trouble processing that you just won’t be here for all of these things anymore. There are reminders of you everywhere I turn. I see pumpkin pie and I think of that buttermilk pie you made that you forgot to put sugar in. Oh, it was so bad! The other day there was a funny challenge on Facebook where you were asked to text your mom and ask her how long you microwave a 25lb turkey and then share what she said. I can just see you shaking your head as you tell me that you can’t microwave a turkey! I still can’t fathom that you aren’t there for me to call with these silly things. I’m supposed to be able to call you with all the questions I have. I wasn’t ready for you to go. There are still so many things I still just don’t know how to do like you did them. It just doesn’t feel real that life won’t include you anymore.
I’ll be ok, Mom. I have people. I have amazing people, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you every single second of every day. You are never far from my thoughts. Life is still a little bit one day at a time right now, but the tears, they come less frequently and the memories, they bring warmth and joy.
I love you, Mom!